I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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