He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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