Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
