I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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