First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
