Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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