even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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