the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
