Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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