did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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