I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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