I'm so fucking centered right now
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
