I heard we made out
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
