these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
