she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
stop calling my apartment porn island.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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