I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
