funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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