"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
So. Much. Porn.
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