my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
