This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i think my cat just said my name.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
