apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
