You smell like a Billy Joel song
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
