So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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