he puts the penis in happiness.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
