I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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