Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
