I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
