Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
