i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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