i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You were trust falling into bushes
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
