I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
