Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
