The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize