sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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