Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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