So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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