If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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