You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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