...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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