I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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