as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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