my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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