My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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