Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
