I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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