So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just googled if crying burns calories
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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