btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
