You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Pants are for mortals
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
