Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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