How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
