just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
