My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
