my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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