i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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