I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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