he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
