I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
