you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
