no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
