There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
