ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
