Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
