i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
