He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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