Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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