It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
