I faked an abortion last night.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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