dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
