mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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