My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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