We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
