Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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